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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916408">Against Herself, By Herself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyItsOk/pseuds/IvyItsOk'>IvyItsOk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Intrusive Thoughts, Isolation, Post-Canon, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, Trans Catra (She-Ra), Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trauma, affirmations</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:33:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>533</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916408</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyItsOk/pseuds/IvyItsOk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A couple days after saving the universe, Catra begins to deal with her intrusive thoughts. </p><p>Alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Against Herself, By Herself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please read the tags, but just in case: BIG tws for intrusive thoughts and self-hatred.</p><p>That said, there is a happy ending.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My eyes jolt open, searing,</p><p>          I’m awake now, sweating,</p><p>                    and the moonlight burns.</p><p>                              I curl up impulsively, squeezing my eyes closed and holding them shut, desperately.</p><p> </p><p>                    A moment passes, and you feel yourself take your first breath. </p><p>          Still tense you mutter to yourself, “You’re safe, it’s ok.”</p><p>                                        “You’re safe, it’s ok.”</p><p>                              “You’re safe,”</p><p>                    “It’s ok,”</p><p>          “You’re safe.”</p><p>“It’s ok.”</p><p> </p><p>Catra slowly realizes how tense she is and works to relax her muscles, slowly regaining control of her body, slowly putting out the fires in her head. She opens her eyes, and takes in her surroundings.</p><p> </p><p><em> You are alone</em>. You wanted to be; you haven’t been sleeping well and didn’t want to annoy your friends. They’ve been having sleepovers every day since saving the universe and you’ve woken up burning in a cold sweat every night.</p><p>“Breathe.”</p><p>You’ve cried into Adora’s arms enough times that your friends have offered to help. I had to <em> yell </em> at them to leave me alone tonight. <em> They just wanted to help and I drove them away</em>.</p><p>“You’re safe, it’s ok.”</p><p>
  <em> I owe them all so much, and for what? I’ve only hurt the- </em>
</p><p>“No. Friendships aren’t transactional.”</p><p><em> I can’t even use my own words, I'm </em> <b> <em>pathetic</em></b><strong><em>.</em></strong></p><p>“She can’t hurt you anymore, Adora said so.” My breathing gets faster. “She’s gone and you’re safe. You’re safe and it’s o-”</p><p><em>Her name was </em> <b> <em>Shadow Weaver</em></b><em>, I owe my </em> <b> <em>mother</em> </b> <em> that much.</em></p><p><em> I flinch at her name, </em> squeezing my eyes shut. <em> Again. </em></p><p><em>I raise my voice.</em> “Stop it!” My voice cracks. <em> Like a little bo- </em></p><p>“You are not who you w-”</p><p><em> I am a </em> <b> <em>fire</em></b><em>, I </em> <b> <em>burn</em> </b> <em> people when they get too close. </em> <b> <em>I always have been.</em> </b></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am a person.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I have hurt people, sometimes very badly,”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“but I’m working on it.”</p><p>You-</p><p>“It’s been hard and it may get harder,”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“but it’s been worth it,”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“and if I keep working on it, it will get better, because it has gotten better.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Catra douses the tears smoldering in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Softly, she speaks. “I’m safe, it’s ok.”</p><p> </p><p>          “I’m safe, it’s ok.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m safe,”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s ok,”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m safe.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s ok.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A few moments pass, and Catra sits up on the bed. She reaches for some tissues and lets herself cry.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Standing, she opens a window and lets the fresh air wash over her. The breeze is soft against her exposed fur. She takes deep breaths and lets herself follow the ebb and flow of her diaphragm.</p><p> </p><p>Catra thinks about how happy she is to be here, how proud of herself she is, how far she’s come. She thinks about Adora, and Glimmer, and Bow; she thinks they’d be proud of her too. She thinks she might ask to join tomorrow’s sleepover.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Her tears have stopped now. She knows this won’t be the last night like this, and she knows it often gets worse before it gets better, but she knows now that she can fight back, against herself, by herself.</p><p> </p><p>With one last deep breath Catra closes the window and returns to the bed. Tomorrow she’ll pester Glimmer about the grounding techniques they mentioned, whatever those are.</p><p> </p><p>For now, Catra relaxes into the bed and breathes, </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>gently closing her eyes, </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>smiling.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So that was an... ambitious first fic huh</p><p>I'm not really sure how to end this, but, i guess i need everyone to know it does get better. It's hard, it hurts, and you have to put in so much effort, but it does get better &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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